Love and loss: Blanche d’Alpuget on Bob Hawke

Written by Ingrid Laurence for Australian Seniors

Disclaimer: Please be advised that this blog contains discussions about death, which may be triggering or upsetting for some readers. Reader discretion is advised. If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one, please know that you are not alone and there are resources available. For additional support please contact Life on 131 114 or Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636

Acclaimed author Blanche d’Alpuget had a front-row seat for one of Australia’s biggest moments of public grief: the death of her husband, former Prime Minister Bob Hawke. Thousands of people gathered inside and outside the Sydney Opera House in June 2019 for his state memorial service, wanting to pay tribute to Australia’s inspirational leader whose passing a month earlier at the age of 89 had sparked, as Blanche describes it as “a national outpouring of grief”.

Before the memorial, which was attended by six past and present prime ministers and VIPs from all walks of life, she organised the private family funeral, which included Bob’s three adult children by his first marriage, his grandchildren and her own son Louis. Throughout all of it, she had to deal with the shock and grief at the passing of her husband of nearly 25 years.

Private goodbye and the public grief

“When he started dying, it just fell like an axe. It was very sudden, out of the blue, we were having dinner. And he was in a bad way,” Blanche, 81, tells podcast host James Valentine in the latest season of Life’s Booming: Dying to Know. “He’d said all along, ‘I have no fear of death.’ But it’s one thing, not fearing death. It’s another thing fearing dying, and dying can be difficult.”

In the end Bob died at home with Blanche by his side, holding his hand. “He gave a huge sigh and then I felt the room was full of angels. It was very, very uplifting.” In contrast, she describes having to face the media and the grieving nation so soon after Bob’s death as “a real nightmare”.

“I think I probably had a thousand emails and texts, for starters. And I was really grieving, really, really upset. So, I’d go shopping and burst into tears over the cauliflowers. I haven’t got anything against cauliflower! And I didn’t have a moment, really, to grieve properly. I had the odd moments, but it was so busy once he died – because of who he was – and everybody wanting a slice of the salami,” she shares.

If you’re also dealing with the passing of a loved one, here are 5 tips for coping with grief.

Life after loss, and lessons in letting go

While many state figures leave detailed instructions about how they would like to be remembered, Bob had nothing to do with planning his memorial, Blanche reveals. “None. Unlike Gough [Whitlam]. Gough planned his funeral down to the last T. Bob left it entirely to others. He didn’t even think about it.”

She somehow made it through that traumatic period, even though she went on to face even more challenges. “When stuff gets thrown at you, you just handle it as best you can. Whether I did it well or ill, I don’t know. So, the next year I got breast cancer. And I do think that was grief. Bob died in May, I moved out of the house in September, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February. It’s life, you know, you’ve just got to accept it,” she explains.

“Six years on, people still come up to talk about Bob,” Blanche adds fondly. “It’s always very civil and kind.”

Despite the unavoidable sadness, she firmly believes we should not be afraid of death. “We should talk about it positively. It’s inevitable and therefore not to be feared and shrunken away from, but to anticipate with a certain degree of excitement. Look, I think it’s a great adventure, because we don’t know what’s going to happen afterwards. But if you have a positive attitude, it’s really worth looking forward to.”

And will she be applying any of the experience she learned from Bob’s farewells to planning her own? “A funeral is to celebrate life,” Blanche says. “And I might say that although I want an inexpensive casket or coffin, I don’t want a ‘nothing’ funeral. I want When the Saints Go Marching In, played at the end of it! Fun.”

Related: Your guide to talking about death with your loved ones

What the funeral celebrant says

Evelyn Calaunan is an end-of-life celebrant who has conducted some 600 funeral ceremonies across her 17-year career. Although she hasn’t officiated anything as grand as a state funeral, she believes that any type of memorial is an essential part of the grieving process.

“It’s like, let’s just stop and think about whoever’s passed. We need that. I think funerals, end-of-life ceremonies, are really important for the people who are left behind. Just us being together and honouring that person in a space and having this energy directed towards this person that we love,” she says.

It’s the same when it comes to grieving a public figure, such as a former prime minister, though on a much larger scale. “I think people felt like they knew Bob Hawke. Even though he wasn’t their husband or father, they wanted a piece of him. And I think they wanted to fully grieve and honour his life. And that’s why having that public funeral was very necessary.”

Related: Public figure Tracey Spicer shares what it means to die well.

“Funeral celebrations have changed a lot in recent years,” Evelyn says, “With a lot more technology involved in the ceremony, thanks largely to COVID.”

“What I’ve noticed as well is that there are people who will have a private cremation and then have a huge memorial, maybe not a week or two after, but maybe in a month or two after. So, they’re giving it a longer time to have a bigger celebration of life.”

She is also performing more living funerals – “life celebrations” – while the guest of honour is still with us. And she’s a big believer in talking about death and our own funeral wishes more openly.

“I know it’s probably not the topic that people want to talk about, but there can be something quite beautiful. Like when we start talking about our funeral songs, when we just start talking about our lives. It’s quite exciting,” she shares.

Tune in to hear more from Blanche d’Alpuget and Evelyn Calaunan in Going Out With Style, episode 5 of the Australian Seniors podcast series Life’s Booming: Dying to Know, hosted by James Valentine.