How to cope with a family medical emergency

Written by Julie Lee for Australian Seniors

Like most medical emergencies, this one came out of the blue. My parents were cleaning up after dinner when Mum turned to see my dad gripping onto the dishwasher. He was pale and sweating and unable to speak. She raced to help him, first trying to get him into a chair, before gently lowering him onto the kitchen tiles. By this stage, he could talk again and was protesting Mum’s suggestions of calling an ambulance.

Luckily she did. He was having a stroke. When a stroke hits, it attacks up to 1.9 million brain cells per minute so waiting any longer could have been catastrophic. Stroke is one of Australia’s biggest killers – it kills more women than breast cancer and more men than prostate cancer – and one in four people globally will have a stroke in their lifetime.

What followed for Dad was four weeks in hospital and another three weeks in rehab. Recovery has been a slow process – physically he’s doing well; cognitively there have been challenges with short-term memory loss. He’s also had to learn to read again, which has been a kick in the guts for the former journalist.

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What followed for the rest of us was some hard-won lessons about emotions, relationships and communication. But according to Dr Zena Burgess, CEO of the Australian Psychological Society, our experience was not unusual. “You’re walking into a situation where you have no anchors to work out how to behave, and that’s really tricky,” she says. “You can often feel a sense of absolute numbness and you can’t process the information.”

And that’s just in the early stages. “After that, it’s a whole lot of anger and questions like what should I have done? What should the medical staff have done?” Dr Burgess says. We floundered, working things out as we went. These are just some of the things we learnt.

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Focus on the patient

In those first few days and weeks, Dad was sleeping a lot and talking less. Meanwhile, my brother, sister and I were falling over ourselves to be helpful – talking to doctors, sharing updates, madly googling and chauffeuring Mum, who was dealing with her own strong emotions.

It quickly became not about Dad but about what we were doing for Dad. Dr Burgess says this is common. “As people try to feel relevant and do something to help, they sometimes forget just sitting with the patient, holding their hand and being there with them quietly is what they need,” she says.

Be mindful of conflict

We’re a tight-knit family but when emotions were high, we had avoidable flair ups. A quick argument here, losing patience there. “Relationships do become strained,” Dr Burgess says. “Just roll with it. Don’t start trying to process it with them at that time because they haven’t got the bandwidth and you haven’t got the bandwidth to do it in a way that’s helpful.”

Let go of guilt

“It’s easy to retrospectively think what could have been or should have been, but it doesn’t make the reality of the present or the future any different. Guilt isn’t going to stop your dad having had a stroke but it can change your behaviour for the future,” Dr Burgess says. “Turn remorse into a resolution to do something different if you need to or to do more of the same if you’ve been doing good things that help the patient.”

Learn how to say “yes”

We heard it from everyone – “let me know what you need” – but we batted away well wishes at every turn, unable to think beyond the present moment. It turns out a small shift in our thinking might have helped all of us. “People want to help and the best thing you could do is work out some small thing for them to do,” Dr Burgess says. “Whether it’s getting your mail in or taking your garbage out, offering them a small thing they can do will make them feel better and make you feel better.”

One lesson I’ve taken from this experience is to stop asking others ‘how’ I can help and instead just help. A couple of friends arranged for dinners to be delivered to our door without checking in first. It might not be right for everyone, but it made all the difference to us.

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Take things one step at a time

We had a mantra that we still use now: one day at a time. It stopped us getting ahead of ourselves, imagining the worst outcomes but Dr Burgess says you need to find a timeframe that works for you.

“In the initial stages of the medical emergency, sometimes it’s half a day at a time, but then you extend the time out to a week, a month and deal with it that way. You don’t need to get into multi-year things but you can allow yourself to plan because planning is something that gives a lot of people comfort.”

Take care of your mental wellbeing

Dad was being seen by a neurologist, cardiologist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, haematologist and physiotherapist. We were being seen by… no-one. Looking back, it would have been helpful to add a mental health professional to our tool kit.

“A lot of people come for psychological treatment at this time because they need to handle their feelings and physical sensations. They need to navigate the complexity of the family relationships or they just need support from someone independent so they can work out what to do next,” Dr Burgess says.

For more on resilience after a medical emergency, read how former Wiggle Greg Page survived a sudden cardiac arrest.

Sanity-saving tips that helped

• Use tech

We created a WhatsApp group to keep each other updated and to track the medical jargon.

• Sort your paperwork

My dad had signed Power of Attorney and Enduring Guardian forms years earlier, which made it easy for us to talk to financial planners and My Aged Care about his needs. (Here’s our guide for establishing your estate and power of attorney)

• Plan for time outs

This is a marathon not a sprint – give yourself and each other permission to take a day off.

• Start a roster

A schedule stopped us all turning up every day and eliminated the logistical noise.

• Talk to the hospital

Parking fees can really rack up in a hospital. Speak to the reception staff to investigate what options there are to minimise costs.

How to spot a stroke

• Face

Check their face. Has their mouth drooped?

• Arms

Can they lift both arms?

• Speech

Is their speech slurred? Do they understand you?

• Time

Time is critical.

You can learn more about these symptoms through Healthdirect Australia and if you see any of these signs, call 000 straight away.